You can blame E. Until his most recent visit I was happy in our relationship. Sure, I get annoyed when you don’t read my mind and bring me ice cream with my Neosporin from the CVS, but those are things that we can work through. What we can’t work through is me falling in love with another man. It was E who introduced us. He carelessly brought him to my attention. There, on the TV, just fighting crime and breaking hearts like it was nothing.
Hubs, I’m leaving you for Timothy Olyphant.
I know what you’re thinking, this isn’t love, it’s only lust. I’ll get over it and we’ll be back to normal.
That’s not true, hubs. It’s simply not true. I checked IMDB. Timmy is a full six feet tall. Six feet! He isn’t one of those little tiny creepy Hollywood men. You fall in love and next thing you know he is popping up out of a little suitcase that his 5’4 body folded up into with no problem. This isn’t like the James McEvoy thing from ’09. I’m not going to have my bags packed when you reveal that he’s actually a 5’8 Scotsman with midget hands and an ugly wife. This is closer to the Hugh Jackman thing of… well…. always. I could wear heels. I could wear platforms!
Timmy even graduated from college. Wait, more than that, he SWAM in college. He is a D1 athlete for God’s sake. Just imagine that crime fighting, tough guy body rippling beneath the water… omg omg omg omg.
A quick skim of his IMDB lineup sealed the deal. Any man who plays characters named Raylan, Seth, and Wes is the man for me. I bet he drives an SUV. Or a truck. No Prius for Timmy and me. Oh! I bet we’ll ride off together on his hog.
I’m sorry that you had to find out this way. You know I think you’re a dear, really, I do. And really you look quite a bit like Mr. Olyphant. Your rugged (kind of) beard and swagger. (So what if it’s actually a limp from a dip shit doctor putting your cast on wrong?) You’re well over six feet. You may not drive a truck but you’re hell on a Singer and even better with a Dremel. And one day we could ride off into the sunset on a Vespa or something, I’m sure.
Ooh. Now I’m torn.
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