everything i ever needed to know, i learned on an isagenix cleanse.

About a month ago, my favorite gym fairy (who, as mentioned, needs to be Best of Boston….) George descended upon my Saturday cardio class looking noticeably thinner than the week before. In the world of hard-core fitness (a world I now think I’m officially a part of), showing up thinner in less than seven days is like fucking Edward Scissor Hands and then going for a swim off the coast of Cuba… you are going to get attacked. To make matters worse, Georgie went ahead and teased the entire class by telling us that if we stayed for the second round of class (immediately following), he would tell us all how he shed 10lbs in 7 days. I have never seen so many people in a cardio class in my life.

The key to George’s sudden weight loss was a program called IsaGenix. Now, I’ve learned via Twitter that if you mention this product in ANY negative fashion, thousands of angry Isa-Twitterers will come out of the woodwork and Tweet you to death. I can only imagine what today’s Google Keyword search is going to do to me. (Hello, crazy IsaGenix people. Welcome to my blog. Now leave me alone.) The program is a “cleanse” which rids your body of the evil toxins that are weighing you down and keeping you from being the best possible person you can be. Actually what it is is a 9 day torture test to see whether or not normal people can live normal lives without food.

Like all stupid things in life: hammer pants, scrunchies, that time Coke fucked up and changed their formula, I needed to go ahead and try it. You know, just so I could blog about it. Had I been smart about it, I would have blogged during the actual cleanse, alas I did not. Mostly because cleansing turned me into a unique person who couldnt focus on benign tasks like sharing her life with twelve people.

For two days you drink some cleansing juice. Mine was “tropical berry” which, in IsaGenix land, is cousins with rancid organic apple juice. For two days at the beginning, and two days at the end you drink this juice and if you find yourself unbearably hungry, you are allowed an almond or two. How generous. The middle days (5) you drink two meal replacement shakes and then are allowed a 4-600 calorie meal– either as lunch or dinner. Think of it like a glorified SlimFast plan. During these nine days, I compiled a list of things that I was learning about myself through the cleanse. So here is is, Everything I Ever Needed to Know, I learned on an IsaGenix Cleanse:

1. Poo is Precious

I know. It is completely unladylike to talk about poo. So we wont. What we will talk about is what happens when you realize your rear functions have been… defunct… for more than four days. A girl who doesn’t believe in God starts saying prayers that the savior will send her a turd. After day five, the anxiety over the mass that is growing in your defunct belly becomes overwhelming, and you ask the hubs if he’ll just beat on you for a while. Lightly, of course.

The real kicker is when your meal replacement shakes give you Devious Gas. A rare breed that cannot be trusted unless one is seated on the cool promise of porcelain. Trust me on this, cherish your poo.

2. It’s the texture, not the flavor.

I actually learned this lesson years ago when I had to fast for an exploratory stomach surgery: hunger is nothing. I could go days without calories; it’s the longing for something in the mouth that becomes unbearable. I actually remember standing over the kitchen sink (during the fast) and chewing up stale loaves of bread and spitting them in the sink, just so I could remember what it was like to feel food. My dad accidentally caught me, and I dont think things have ever really been the same.

On day two of the cleanse, I had taken out nearly eight packs of gum. I was chewing the calorie equivalent of a Big Mac in increments of “Not a Significant Source of Nutrition or Calories”. They only say that because they dont know that some people use them as meal replacement.

As weakness turning to longing, I thought I was ready to lead a debate against religious activitists. You think your God is the reason and source of life? Wrong. It’s restaurant week. It’s gluttony and pleasure and fluffy carbohydrates. That’s what it’s all about. Ave Maria.

3. About your friends…

They only like you because you drink and because you eat. No one wants to be around a dieter. It’s a close second to a recovering alcoholic. (Sidenote: once you hit the 5-10 year mark of recovery, this doesn’t apply. We’re talking about alcondriacs– a breed of people who go to Betty Ford and emerge convinced that EVERYONE is an alcoholic. I don’t want anyone falling off the wagon, I just want them to shut the fuck up about it.)

For nine days I was a nobody. I wasn’t drunk enough to be honest, full enough to be tired, or engaged enough to care about anyone else. I was hungry. Plain and fucking simple. I wanted to eat babies. Covered in mayo. Fried.

Yum.

And now here I am. Maintaining. Drinking Devious Gas Shakes and playing poo roulette.

God Bless IsaGenix.

56 thoughts on “everything i ever needed to know, i learned on an isagenix cleanse.

  1. my girlfriend did a cleanse that involved drinking epsom salts….she couldn’t leave her apartment for a whole weekend…..if you really want to poo

  2. It is worth the suffering. If you can stick to it, everyday you are lighter than the day before (a rarity for women). You DO Lose. You may be hungry but at the end of the 9-11 day cleanse you ARE 10 lbs. lighter (and not just in brain cells).

  3. There are a multitude of testimonials and success stories on Isagenix’s corporate website from happy customers and people who have gotten results from the products.

    In closing, Isagenix is stable, solid and credible company that sells high quality products and provides a generous compensation plan for it’s distributors. However, simply joining Isagenix will not automatically make you successful. Your success will depend on your ability to generate leads, which will only result if you obtain the right marketing training. Without acquiring the right training, you will have a hard time generating leads. And without leads, although

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  5. The gas I experienced being on the shake was one of the most horrifying experiences of my adult life. I usually never fart, but I must have had some really bad toxins in my cells (or whatever Isagenix people say we are flushing out) to produce the gas I did. It affected my social, work and love life.

    1. I’ve been all over the web looking for Isagenix shakes + gas and how to stop it. I’ve talked to Isagenix folks and everyone gives me the deer in the headlights stare. The gas starts about 1 hour after drinking the shake and doesn’t quit for another 12. The stomach cramping is hell, the volume of air is mind boggling, not to mention the odor (did I mention the vile odor?) I’m truly sorry others go through the same thing and though I have found no solutions (except to stop drinking the damned things) but I’m glad I’m not alone!!

      1. The solution is to start with only 1 shake per day and work up to 2 over about a weeks time. I started the cleanse 4 days ago and on day 2 someone in my Isagenix group posted about how to avoid the gas and I was thinking – oh, that’s too bad – at least I’m not experiencing THAT! Here it is on day 4 and I’ve got BAD gas pains!! I guess I’m going to start with just 1 shake (or, you can do 2 shakes but just 1 scoop of the powder instead of 2) tomorrow. Until then…ooowwwweeeeeeeeeeee!

  6. So how much weight did you lose? Did you keep up with it or do you ever revisit the program? Also – after the 9 days, did you have more energy and clarity? I ask because I was thinking about doing the program, and I’m doing a little research about it first. Love your post though! Ha! The scary truth, I suppose.

  7. Your post was hysterical- I felt like I was cheating on Isagenix just by reading it! I agree, the first time I did it I felt the same way, minus the gas. I guess that only happens to some. But as I lost weight and felt better I found myself less likely to crave and eat the highly processed foods we all grew up on. Now I do a cleanse here and there and its a piece of cake, love the ease of the routine and especially the results. It’s hard not to love and accept something that eventually makes you love yourself, your mind and your spirit. That being said, I too have the poo issue….. which resolves itself eventually thank goodness, lol. I look at it this way, my body is so used to shitting out un-nutritious foods that when I put pure nutrition in, I poo less. Kind of like a breast feeding baby versus formula fed- Keep up the blogging- you have a wonderful repore. I wish you much success.

  8. ROFL! That was one of the funniest blogs I have ever read! I havev’t attempted the full on cleans yet. My wife found me the shakes after I figured out I was gluten intolerant. I deploy every year and am very limited to what I can eat as they dont tailor to those of us who have stomach issues. The shakes are to make sure I don’t die from malnutrition, starvation though is another story as they are not as filling as a real meal. Gluten plugs me up something fierce so I really try to stay away from it. The shakes are keeping me alive but because of the gas those around me are not so sure they will survive. Its been horrible. Luckily they are all dudes so it’s not terribly embarressing and sometimes funny, well from my perspective. Proof men never truly grow out of pee, poo, fart jokes. Its almost like being jet powered when running on the track. Any how I am relieved to know its most likely the shakes causing it and when I get back to a normal life in the states and have more access to healthy foods it should stop.

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  11. I’m on Day 6. Tomorrow is my first cleanse.
    I laughed my ass off about the chewing of the bread LOL.
    Last night as I caught myself blindly stuffing a handful of nachos into my mouth and spitting them out in the trash…I ended up pouring dishsoap all over them and throwing them out.
    Today I keep opening the fridge. Closing the fridge.
    Opening the fridge. Eating 2 spoonfuls of leftover turkey chilli. Closing the fridge.
    Imagining various foods has been causing my mouth to salvitate on command. It’s gross.
    I’m afraid what tomorrow will bring. :S

  12. I just spent the night on the floor in the bathroom, withering with severe abdominal pain. Never in my life have I had such pain. 3 1/2 hours of this all because of ISAGenix. This stuff is horrible and I do not recommend it for anyone. The ingredients may be “natural” but not good for you, Fructose…MSG…gum products…come on “REALLY”!!!!

    Healthy organic veggies and fruit and protein, plenty of water and exercise is all I need.

    I will NEVER do this again and I agree with the first blogger….forget checking this out on GOOGLE…Try Bing or Safari and search abdominal pain and IsaGenix. Blew my mind.

    I almost went to the hospital last night that is how bad the pain was. DON’T believe the HYPE…ask your Doctor before you start this cleanse.

  13. And – you’ll never have to worry about losing interest and losing the benefits of your hard work. All of these options are designed to make the process as simple and convenient as possible. Therefore, you should plan a balanced diet regimen along with a judicious exercises regimen.

  14. I am on day 4 and I feel like I’m going to die. I use Herbalife normally, and the shakes fill me up and taste amazing. Buttttttt, everyone is using Isagenix so I figured I would give it a try. It’s definitely NOT for me, but for someone wanting to lose weight and can handling being hungry all the time, this product is great. My goal is to become a bodybuilder and when I lift I feel like I am going to pass out because I am so hungry. I spent the money on the 30 day cleanse so I am going to finish it, but I wish the shakes were more filling and didn’t taste like dirt. 😦 And I don’t recommend the e+ energy shot…..it’s awful. The chocolate is kind of yummy though. -Amy

  15. So happy It’s not me!!! I too have never experienced such abdominal pains!!! OMG!!! I tried it for a week. NEVER again. Does the plan come with a money back guarantee?

  16. You are funny! Love this post. I do these isagenix shakes sometimes, and shakeology. I haven’t done the cleanse. I just googled isagenix and gas and this popped up. Let’s just say my Saturday night has left me gassy? It all started after my isagenix shake today… Dammit!

    Thanks for the laugh.

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  18. OMG, I’m doing Isagenix right now and I just DIED laughing out loud AT work… Today is a cleanse day for me and I AM STARVING!!!! But my jeans fit so much better – I’m on day 10 of my 30 day program. THANK YOU FOR THE GREAT LAUGH!

  19. Day one of my isagenix cleanse as well. I am looking longingly at my pencils for something to chew on. The funniest part is how they don’t want you to have caffeine. The reason why is because the founder says caffeine is unholy. It’s bad for your body..all those toxins…it inhibits weight loss…..but then goes on to say that if you buy your caffeine from isagenix, its okay!!!

  20. I was looking for a product that would clean me out without causing lots of cramping. The Lady Soma Detox does just that. If you take the maximum does of 3 packs per day, then you may experience some cramping, but taking one or two does the job. It’s a 7-day program, but I would recommend keeping it on hand for even occasional constipation.

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  22. After the first two Shake Days, I was rushed to the emergency room with the most horrific lower abdominal pain imaginable. Through an I.V., they pushed pain killers three times and an anti- inflammatory before I got some relief… five hours later. My Isagenix coach told me this was a sign that the products were working and trying to rid my body of years of toxins due to bad nutrition. Well I haven’t pooped for days even though I’m drinking a pool size amount of water. Ya….I’m thinking I may want to keep my toxins.

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  24. Weird…I started on Isa 2 weeks ago and have not had any gas or stomach pains at all. I guess if affects each person differently.

  25. I am on my second round of cleanse day, 13 lbs lighter, but this SUCKSSS. I want to punch of of the people going on and on and on about it how much energy they have and how they are never hungry. I want to shove the cleanse juice bottle down their throat.

  26. Em algum lugar no Paquistão, existe um método para emagrecer bastante curioso que consiste
    em usar um bracelete apertado no braço direito, qual deve ser usado por toda vida.

  27. Então aumente pênis e, assim, aumentar a sua impossibilidade,
    mas você pode torná-lo maior com a ajuda de exercícios especiais que são fáceis de fazer em casa.

  28. Entre chaque séance, profitez d’une journée de repos
    pour reprendre de l’énergie et suivre l’évolution de votre poids
    dans votre journal d’entraînement Vous pourrez aussi y inscrire ce qu’il y
    a dans votre assiette, des repas variés et équilibrés bien sûr !

  29. Un conseil important pour la perte de poids est ce mantra:
    «planifier, préparer, exécuter, et la pratique” La perte de
    poids ne se fait pas par accident, il faut l’effort mental et des mesures
    délibérées afin d’atteindre les résultats que vous voulez.

  30. Did a search for Isagenix and gas and this came up. I decided to try Isagenix and the first few days I literally thought I was going to die. I was SO sick. My coach told me that was a good sign…seriously? I have tried to do a cleanse and cannot get through two days. I also do NOT have any more energy than I did before. In fact, I find myself frustrated because all I think about is food…I want to chew food. The shakes don’t taste bad to me, but, man, within an hour after drinking one, I am afraid to be around people. The gas is unbelievable. I have been doing this since November. And water? If I drank anymore water during the day, I would need to take up residence in the bathroom and invest in stock in Charmin. My daughter (a nutritionist) is against this system. She says anyone who starves themselves 2 days a week will obviously lose weight. Case in point–my friend (and one who introduced me to the products) who has been on this system over a year gained 10 pounds over the holidays. My daughter said if you gain weight back that fast as soon as you don’t strictly follow the program then it has taught you nothing about being and eating healthy and you will need to stay on some form of this program the rest of your life to maintain any weight loss. Looks like the only winners here are the billionaire developers of the program. I can say all this from experience as I tried this–and still drink the stupid things even though they make anyone around me run for cover or keep me home for fear of extreme embarrassment. I am thinking I can learn how to cook healthy food and exercise and drink water and I will reach my goals without the vile smells produced by the shakes.

  31. I googled Isagenix Cleanse and gas and came across this page.

    Fantastic! You’re hilarious. I am new to Isagenix products and was suppose to start a 2-day cleanse today that I’d put off for 5 days for various reasons. To be honest I did take 2 scoops of the Berry cleanse powder as directed but then ate some delicious pizza with my partner for dinner an hour later. I knew it was a bad idea but really had no idea until i started letting off gas like a hot air balloon not long after. Up until this point of out 1.5yr relationship we’d been able to maintain a certain level of mystery about odours etc but suffice to say he no longer views me as his precious rose (smelling) petal and joked (semi) that he would look to buy a gas mask on Gumtree if i kept this up.
    I am fine with the shakes and supplements 10 days in and have lost 2kg but I am just hoping that i am only gassy because i mixed pizza with ‘Cleanse’. It’s back to shakes and and relular eating again for a day or 2. I suppose time will tell.

    Thanks so much for sharing your experience!

  32. I just got my box in the mail today. I decided to try a shake for dinner. Halfway through the drink I had to stop. It made me feel sick and gave me gas pains. I’m kind of bummed. I’m going to try again tomorrow with my two shakes. I sure hope this doesn’t last the whole time.

  33. I gained 5 lbs a year for 10 years .. my doctor says im borderline diabetic …
    and Once I take this weight i
    Off with IsaGenix
    I can eat right and exercise which I gavent done in years and finally feel good about myself … for the ones that font like the program … why ?
    You cant go back to the old lifesyle if eating
    THAT WON’T WORK !!!

    1. I hated it because it was very expensive, made me very sick, and made me so gassy I was afraid to go out in public. I also learned that companies like this stay in business by banking on the fact that once you stop their program, you’ll gain the weight back and need to go back on it. Any diet that forbids eating 2 days a week is going to cause weight loss. Isagenix, weight watchers, nutrisystem…all the same. The execs are millionaires while giving false info to those who are promised miracles.

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