weight! watch this!

Last year was the worst year of my life. It’s no more than a statement of fact. I don’t need people feeling bad for me, and I definitely don’t need people comparing my worst year of life to that of, say, one of the lost boys of the Sudan. Last year was a bad year relative to my other years. I get that.

But it doesn’t mean it didn’t take me down a peg. Friends were dropping like flies, my job was in a never ending rough patch (we know how that turned out…), and I couldn’t seem to find my mojo. It was really lost. Actually, I think I ate it. Along with everything else that wasn’t nailed to the floor. I excel at eating and drinking my way through personal trial. And so it is that this year, the not worst year of my life, I am getting things started with an extra twenty pounds of me. Unfortunately, there is no prize for having more of yourself. Unless you consider self loathing a prize.

Unlike my previous weight loss effort (Super Slim Down 2009), where I whittled myself down to an almost unrecognizable hottie, I don’t have the motivation. I’ve already run a half marathon. I already got my yoga certification. I already got skinny and hot and realized that it’s a lot of work. So. much. work.

I’m lamenting to my mother on the phone about my current physical appearance, telling her about how I know there’s a problem, but I don’t have the energy to solve it. Since my mother believes everything can be traced back to severe depression, she was quick to point out that it sounded like I was depressed. After assuring her that my medication was all order, she immediately found a new solution. After two months of searching for the perfect birthday present, she was going to buy me a subscription to Weight Watchers Online.

Now, before you freak out about my mother being an asshole– which I usually wouldn’t argue with you about– you should know that she does have insight into my darkest corners and she knows that I don’t like being a fat kid. As much as I don’t want to lose this weight, I want to be a fat kid even less. She was being a straight up problem solver. Plus my mother and I have spoken open and honestly about each other’s flaws for many, many years.

I won’t go into the details of Weight Watchers, as I’m sure many of you are familiar with the system: track points, lose weight. And, if you’re so inclined, go to meetings. (This is key to building a support system, or so I’ve heard.) Nowadays tracking points is–theoretically– a cinch. I’m sure you’ve heard Jennifer Hudson singing about it. There’s an iPhone app to help you with points, both how many certain foods are and how many you have left for the day. There is also an online community of people who say sickeningly inspiring things to one another. It’s like cheerleading camp, except not. Because cheerleaders just do a few cartwheels when they need to drop a few.

I was going to start yesterday, but after adding up most of my day I realized I was over my allocation by 100% and that didn’t seem fair. So I started today. And let me tell you something, those assholes running this Ponsi scheme have not pulled the wool over this girl’s eyes. I know EXACTLY what is going on here.

First of all, kiss your benders goodbye. This program is designed to ensure you never get to binge drink again. Forget vodka sodas. Forget everything you ever learned about getting potted for the lowest number of calories. They’ve rigged the system. If I sacrificed all my food for a whole day I would be allowed seven drinks. Now, I don’t want to scare anyone, but come on. What about Sunday Funday? Nope. I might as well take up Christianity. My Sundays are now open.

Now the points are based on a top secret algorithm that takes into account fat to carb to protein and fiber ratios. But you want to know what the super secret is? You’re never eating another carbohydrate again. At least not a good one. I spend 1.5 hours at the Whole Foods today calculating the  points in every form of carb I walked by. Nope. Nope. Nope. I spent 20 minutes on pasta alone. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT UNDER MY TOMATO SAUCE? A PLATE? Apparently.

Bread. OUT.

Pancakes. HA.

Tortillas. POBRACITA!

And in case you weren’t feeling sorry enough for me, they’ve rigged the cheese too. The only cheese that is low enough in points and high enough in quantity is Babybel Minis LIGHT. Like chewy pucks of spackle. And forget eating them on something like a baguette. Perhaps you’d like to count out some Wheat Thins? Maybe a Triscuit or two?

I get it. I know that it’s a clever way to help people understand portion control and the importance of moderation, but I don’t want to know the importance of moderation. I want to know the power of a high metabolism.

In an effort to jump into this with enthusiasm and optimism, I decided to go online to the “community” part of the website and see what it was all about. It’s basically a mini Facebook with a little Match.com sprinkled in. You can ask to be someone’s friend based on similar interests or join a group of people who share a common interest. Unfortunately it appears that I do not share any common interests with the people of Weight Watchers Online. I spent the majority of my evening responding to questions about why it was so hard to find Weight Watchers friendly options at major chain restaurants. I went there looking to see if anyone knew how many points were an eight course tasting with wine pairings.

I’m still a person, though, and it hurts that no one has requested to be my friend. Where is the welcome wagon? It’s not like I’m expecting a muffin basket, we all know these nazis don’t allow for anything that good, but maybe a few fluff friends so I didn’t feel so all alone?

As day one comes to an end, I’m paralyzed. I accidentally ate some leftover mousse cake from an office birthday party. It didn’t completely derail me, but I also wonder if I should forgo dinner so that I have extra points for my alcoholism tomorrow. You can eat lots of vegetables for no points, but don’t get near a sauce or condiment or you’re going straight to points hell. I haven’t even looked at mayo yet because I know it’s going to break my heart. Is there no compassion left in this cruel world?

One day down. 15 pounds to go.

Go me.


8 thoughts on “weight! watch this!

  1. I need a fitness buddy. I had a good one, then she moved to Virginia… Not for nothing: all things in moderation, right? I read Skinny Bitch and went vegan for almost a year. Never looked better. But there’s a reason they call it skinny Bitch. A hungry bitch is an angry bitch. And don’t tell me there’s no vodka. Let’s be habitual line stepping, moderately irritable, slim bitches together. Monday night yoga at Om?

  2. Join an gym and do three one hour spin classes as week…you will be able to eat and drink whatever you want. Best way to shed weight! You are lucky and have the height thinking going for you. I am a shorty so I have to work extra hard. Cheers to you!

  3. Ahhh, 2009 Slim Down Buddy…sigh. I miss that year, that motivation and that lack of jiggly parts. I have nightmares about what my physical state will be post 20-months of pregnancy. I watch Mariah, Janet and Jennifer on their respective program commercials and wonder who likes alcohol and pizza as much as I do? I figure if they can quit long enough to lose then so can I. Mariah is winning the potential ‘binger’ race in my head.

    I just saw you for a few moments, but I think you are always harder on yourself then anyone could be. You look wonderful.

    xoxo your former gym buddy.

  4. You are one of the funniest and most interesting bloggers myself and my husband have ever come across! Reading to him aloud and we are howling. Found you by happenstance today while searching for cleanse side effects (we’re on a 14 day shit show ourselves but, thank God not that horrific Ixagenics or what the ma heck). Keep it up and we will be sharing your posts like groupies. We have our a wine project and are food and wine whores so, our peeps are going to get a kick out of your genius blog. We should send you some of our wine in exchange for the free entertainment come to think of if. Let me know if you’ll accept.
    Cheers to honesty and debauchery.
    Nikki Nelson

  5. Watch “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” It’s free to watch on netflix..com right now, and on amazon if you’re a prime member. I watched it reluctantly after having the same problem, need to health up but couldn’t motivate.
    Anyway, it’s decent and when it is over, you will be super motivated to juice, and stay super healthy. My husband and I did the ten day fast, he lost ten pounds and I lost three…and I’m still exercising and juicing, so I’m now down ten (I’m only juicing 1x a day and I’ve eliminated all bread/pasta from my diet)
    Also, I think it’s free to watch on the reboot your life site
    Wine is tough…I’ve ditched it for now, but I love it.

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