what inquiring minds want to know, i find out

Even medicated I have a lot of anxiety. I don’t consider myself an anxious person, but I do have a lot of anxiety. Right now I’m anxious about renewing my drivers license. I checked the date and it expires in 2012. That’s less than two years away. I feel like there is this big black X on my calendar two years away and I’m going to spend the next 18 months marching towards it, panicking about having to deal with the mind numbing idiocy of the fucking DMV. I have similar anxiety about my debit card. It’s expiring next year. Where will the new one come from? Will they send it to me? Do I need to call someone? What if I want to buy something and I can’t because my expiration date is too soon! AHHH! Panic! Agony. World ending. Puppies dying.

Like I said, this is with meds.

I experience similar anxiety about a myriad of teensy little things throughout the day. I don’t want to run into people I know at the grocery store. I’m never sure whether I’m supposed to kiss French people on the right or left side first, so I’m in a constant state of fear and anxiety about that. I get anxious about brushing my teeth and getting in the shower. Typing it all out I’m starting to feel like a few weeks on a ranch somewhere could do me some good. (Like a special ranch, not at home with my mother.)

I’m not helpless though. I am actually usually pretty good about alleviating my anxiety by simply asking questions.

“Mr. French client who always wants to kiss me, which side first?”
“Do I have this dress on backwards?”

“Am I supposed to eat those flowers made of carrots?”

“Do you think I’m crazy?”

So, in the interest of alleviating one of my more plaguing anxieties, I decided to have a little impromptu q&a with my beloved gynecologist. (No lie, I’m obsessed with him.) The beauty of the entire conversation is that because of MA state law (or maybe law everywhere) a female nurse must be present while the doctor is taking care of business. So rather than just ask my question, I was able to open a dialogue about the subject I was so curious about.

Does the gynecologist judge the lesser groomed? Moreover, does he/she expect a little pre-appointment grooming?

After regaining his composure (which was completely lost after I candidly asked my question), he answered that really he didn’t care either way. There was definitely no judgment, but due to the location of his work he couldn’t help but notice the different…err… styles. The nurse in the room said that in all her 38 years it had never occurred to her to pretty it up for the nice doctor, but now that I mentioned it she did feel like it was important.

The doctor did add that he had a particular Brazilian patient who told him that it was customary in her country for women to go for the full grooming before the appointment. It was disrespectful to show up all shabby. It dawned on me that it was kind of like showing up to the dentist with dirty teeth and foul breath, or going to the proctologist with a pooey po. I could tell that he was trying not to make any statements that could get him in hot water, but I mentioned that next time I’d be more attentive to my goods and he seemed to feel like it would be beneficial to all parties. He ended by saying that it was only ever a problem if he “couldn’t find it.”

It was then that I lost my composure.

8 thoughts on “what inquiring minds want to know, i find out

  1. you young biatch. i had to renew my license year ago (last year.) but damnit i still got to keep my picture from 24 (when i moved back to boston)

  2. Hilarious stuff, Caroline. Don’t forget to get a pedicure before your next appointment, as well. With your knees in the air, your feet are dangerously close to his face.
    Btw, you can renew you DL online…but only if it’s a good picture.

  3. We need to get you a book deal. 🙂

    I also have anxiety about the drivers license – mine is up in July and when I went to renew online, it said I needed a vision test. I’m really not looking forward to my 4-hour afternoon at the RMV – my strategy is going to be to go on Friday afternoon on a holiday weekend and hope it’s dead in there.

  4. I experience a lot of anxiety about seeing people I know in the grocery store. When I see them, if they haven’t seen me, I run away.

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