There are a lot of things in life that make a lot of sense in my head, but when I try to explain them they don’t make very much sense at all. Like why I need to have three sticks of deodorant in my apartment at all times, all in different locations. In my mind it’s perfectly normal, in fact I think it’s downright genius, but the lengthy explanation makes me sound like a hoarder and we all know how petrified I am of being a hoarder.

So, despite knowing this is going to go poorly, I am going to attempt to explain why I hate certain types of commercials. I refer to these as the “funny you should ask” commercials, namely because in order to make the product relevant there is always some completely non sequitur comment that allows the product to be introduced into otherwise completely irrelevant scenario. Up until this week, the most painful example was the PAD (peripheral artery disease) commercials. The one that makes me want to break my computer screen involves a man sitting out of a softball game when a friend/teammate who just happens to be a doctor comes over and diagnosis him with this obscure disease that requires a random drug with no generic– all from a lawn chair. Every time I see it I want to look at the hubs and say something like, “You’re blinking more than usual? You could have Maximized Ocular Retinal Overacted Nerves . A condition that affects more than 1,000 universally. Good news, though, there is a new drop Urasucka that can stop that obnoxious blinking.” It would only be worth it though if someone we’re videotaping it and it would later be used as a real life example of the kinds of people affected by MORON.

Moving on. Now that I spend most of my TV time watching networks like ION, I am lucky enough to catch commercials about all sorts of products that have no relevance to my life. So replacing the PAD commercial as the most ridiculous “funny you should ask” commercial is the new Depends commercial. I searched for it on YouTube and didn’t get anything so I’ll attempt to recreate if for you.

Woman sitting in dressing room with a huge box of Depends.
Cut to members of an orchestra talking about what an open, amazing woman the Depends wearer is.
More sound bites.
A visual of that amazing, confident Depends wearer taking her place as conductor.
Curtain opens.
The world is righted.
Amazing Depends wearer says something like, “My orchestra knows everything about me, but no one needs to know about my problem with wetting myself.”
End commercial.

Perhaps you’re thinking to yourself, “well, that’s not terrible.” YES IT IS. It’s terrible because a group of creative people sat in a room with a creative brief trying to target a niche audience of successful normal people who’s confidence is contributed to their adult diapers. The true market message is that wetting yourself, though natural, is not normal. So if you have this problem, get yourself some diapers. Instead there’s a whole Depends metaphor about success and normality. Depends will not make you more successful. It will make your butt look a little lumpy and keep your pants dry.

What’s most interesting for me is that the target is, by definition, a captive audience. It’s not like potato chips where you have to both convince someone they want chips and then convince them to choose your chips. If you’re peeing yourself you do not have a choice in the matter. You need a diaper. Now go pick one.

Le sigh.

Now, the reason this is even relevant to my life right now is because I have a problem that could, perhaps, be solved by Depends. My new trampoline arrived and as expected it is marvelous. Except that I have Trampoline Incontinence. (A condition that my husband/faux doctor was able to diagnose.) I can’t decide if the trampoline is worth keeping if every time I go for a bounce I have to change my clothes.

But maybe Depends could give me the confidence to bounce like I’ve always wanted to.